Thursday, June 26, 2003
Things you never knew - Dennis Thatcher had a distinguished rugby career, playing for a good side, then rising up the refereeing ranks. And, as in all rugby stories, there's a good joke:
"There is a story, possibly apocryphal, about him at a London Society dinner at a time when wife Margaret was Prime Minister. Thatcher, who detested public speaking, was to be the after-dinner speaker at the dinner.
The introduction was long with lots of Honourable Denis Thatcher this and Honourable Denis Thatcher that. The gathering became restless, then rowdy with pats of butter flicked about and the raucously direct with bread rolls flying.
Eventually the introduction came to an end: "The Honourable Denis Thatcher will now give us his address."
Thatcher rose and said: "Number 10, Downing Street", and sat down to thunderous applause."
"There is a story, possibly apocryphal, about him at a London Society dinner at a time when wife Margaret was Prime Minister. Thatcher, who detested public speaking, was to be the after-dinner speaker at the dinner.
The introduction was long with lots of Honourable Denis Thatcher this and Honourable Denis Thatcher that. The gathering became restless, then rowdy with pats of butter flicked about and the raucously direct with bread rolls flying.
Eventually the introduction came to an end: "The Honourable Denis Thatcher will now give us his address."
Thatcher rose and said: "Number 10, Downing Street", and sat down to thunderous applause."
Interesting news:
"Waratah five-eighth Duncan McRae is on his way to Gloucester. Gloucester Rugby Club last night announced that McRae has signed a two-year deal with the English club. McRae is set to join Gloucester after the Tooheys New Cup club competition. McRae told NSW Rugby Union chief executive John McKay this week of his decision. "Duncan will go to Gloucester with our best wishes, because he has been a great performer for NSW over the past two years," McKay told R&M. "The offer from England is simply one he cannot refuse, especially as he has a young family.""
That's the same Duncan McRae who did this to Ronan O'Gara with by my count around ten punches as he was trapped on the ground
The punching incident
A bloody wound
The end result
Oh, and by the way, O'Gara plays for Munster. And just look at what's to happen in the "2003/2004 Heineken Cup, [hwere] Gloucester and Munster [are] set to once again do battle in the initial stages of the European tournament
Great. What a wonderful signing. Well done guys - it's not as if there's not enough tension between Glos and Munster after last season's games.
"Waratah five-eighth Duncan McRae is on his way to Gloucester. Gloucester Rugby Club last night announced that McRae has signed a two-year deal with the English club. McRae is set to join Gloucester after the Tooheys New Cup club competition. McRae told NSW Rugby Union chief executive John McKay this week of his decision. "Duncan will go to Gloucester with our best wishes, because he has been a great performer for NSW over the past two years," McKay told R&M. "The offer from England is simply one he cannot refuse, especially as he has a young family.""
That's the same Duncan McRae who did this to Ronan O'Gara with by my count around ten punches as he was trapped on the ground
The punching incident
A bloody wound
The end result
Oh, and by the way, O'Gara plays for Munster. And just look at what's to happen in the "2003/2004 Heineken Cup, [hwere] Gloucester and Munster [are] set to once again do battle in the initial stages of the European tournament
Great. What a wonderful signing. Well done guys - it's not as if there's not enough tension between Glos and Munster after last season's games.
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
For anyone wondering what all the posts are about, see
England clinch historic win
New Zealand 13-15 England
England clinch historic victory
AUSTRALIA 14 - 25 ENGLAND
Second English victory in NZ ever. First ever win in Australia. 13 straight wins for England. 10 wins in a row against the "big three" of NZ, Oz and South Africa. Home and away wins this season against NZ and Oz. Oh, it's all pretty sweet.
Just to clear things up.
England clinch historic win
New Zealand 13-15 England
England clinch historic victory
AUSTRALIA 14 - 25 ENGLAND
Second English victory in NZ ever. First ever win in Australia. 13 straight wins for England. 10 wins in a row against the "big three" of NZ, Oz and South Africa. Home and away wins this season against NZ and Oz. Oh, it's all pretty sweet.
Just to clear things up.
player by player ratings - about as spurious as usual, but covers all the tourists
A suggestion - I maintain that the best rugby tour destination for an average club side would be Florida during Spring Break. Arrange to play a uni team or two - they'll be so hungover, youth and fitness won't matter, and the night-life will leave our behaviour well within the bounds of acceptability....
Monday, June 23, 2003
The correct response to allegations that the England RU team is a "Dad's Army", unable to cope -
Prop Andrew Blades 04 Jun 1967 ergo 32
Hooker Michael Foley 07 Jun 1967 ergo 32
Prop Richard Harry 30 Nov 1967 ergo 31
Lock John Eales (c) 27 Jun 1970 ergo 29
Lock David Giffin 06 Nov 1973 26
Flanker Matt Cockbain 19 Sep 1972 27
Flanker David Wilson 04 Jan 1967 32
No.8 Toutai Kefu 08 Apr 1974 25
Aggregate age 234, average 29.25
Guess which team that is? Oh yeah, - the World Cup holders, as a bloody irritating Tasmanian kept telling us on Saturday. And their ages in 1999 when they won. Compare:
woodman 26
thompson 24
vickery 27
kay 27
johnson 33
hill 30
dallaglio 30
back 34
Aggregate age 231, average 28.875.
Look a bit younger, don't they. Particularly as the English age is only really supported by Johnson and Back.
Johnson's playing the best rugby of his career. Losing him would be a massive blow, but looks less dangerous right now.
Back's the oldest in either team, but then everyone's saying how he's crap. If he's past it, fine - we can drop him, and suddenly the England team is much younger than the current champions were (as his replacement would be mid-20s). If he's not, if his place really is on merit, then he must be playing pretty handy rugby to be kept on, so where's the problem?
(England ages researched by someone else, so may be out a little).
Prop Andrew Blades 04 Jun 1967 ergo 32
Hooker Michael Foley 07 Jun 1967 ergo 32
Prop Richard Harry 30 Nov 1967 ergo 31
Lock John Eales (c) 27 Jun 1970 ergo 29
Lock David Giffin 06 Nov 1973 26
Flanker Matt Cockbain 19 Sep 1972 27
Flanker David Wilson 04 Jan 1967 32
No.8 Toutai Kefu 08 Apr 1974 25
Aggregate age 234, average 29.25
Guess which team that is? Oh yeah, - the World Cup holders, as a bloody irritating Tasmanian kept telling us on Saturday. And their ages in 1999 when they won. Compare:
woodman 26
thompson 24
vickery 27
kay 27
johnson 33
hill 30
dallaglio 30
back 34
Aggregate age 231, average 28.875.
Look a bit younger, don't they. Particularly as the English age is only really supported by Johnson and Back.
Johnson's playing the best rugby of his career. Losing him would be a massive blow, but looks less dangerous right now.
Back's the oldest in either team, but then everyone's saying how he's crap. If he's past it, fine - we can drop him, and suddenly the England team is much younger than the current champions were (as his replacement would be mid-20s). If he's not, if his place really is on merit, then he must be playing pretty handy rugby to be kept on, so where's the problem?
(England ages researched by someone else, so may be out a little).
Genius. By which I mean, Idiocy. Spiral Fries has figured out why it's all going to be OK for the Aussies:
"The Zurich rugby ranking computer predicted before Saturday night's Test that England would defeat the Wallabies by nine points. If Joe Roff had kicked the conversion of Wendell Sailor's brilliant try, the computer would have had it exactly right.
Tests are played on the field. They are not played out by hard-wired machines. The computer outcomes, based on a complex program that assesses the past 12 performances of the top 20 national teams, are predictions not prophecies. What they tell us, however, is interesting. On England's record, which is the team's best in 100 years, they can still only expect to beat Australia by a relatively small margin.
This is a comfort for the Wallabies. England, with their Dad's Army pack, can't expect to play better than they did in Melbourne. The Wallabies pack can't play worse than it did. With Stephen Larkham and Mat Rogers in the starting line-up, the Wallabies backs will pose the sort of problems for England for an entire match that they did in the last 15 minutes in Melbourne.
England are the dominant side in the world, leading the Zurich rankings (before the latest series of southern hemisphere-northern hemisphere Tests) with 1239 points. Australia (1146) are third in the rankings. New Zealand (1206) are second.
On these rankings - and confirmed by their inability to put the outplayed Wallabies to the sword on Saturday - England are not so far ahead of the other leading teams that they can expect to dominate the World Cup the way the Wallabies did, for instance, in 1991."
Yep. That's right. The Aussies needn't be worried, even though England would expect to beat Australia by more than a converted try, in Australia, with no-one else there having home advantage. Doesn't make England a "sure thing". But it's absurd to argue that if the machine gets it right, and England now are predicted wins away against Aussie by a convincing margin, that's a good thing...
"The Zurich rugby ranking computer predicted before Saturday night's Test that England would defeat the Wallabies by nine points. If Joe Roff had kicked the conversion of Wendell Sailor's brilliant try, the computer would have had it exactly right.
Tests are played on the field. They are not played out by hard-wired machines. The computer outcomes, based on a complex program that assesses the past 12 performances of the top 20 national teams, are predictions not prophecies. What they tell us, however, is interesting. On England's record, which is the team's best in 100 years, they can still only expect to beat Australia by a relatively small margin.
This is a comfort for the Wallabies. England, with their Dad's Army pack, can't expect to play better than they did in Melbourne. The Wallabies pack can't play worse than it did. With Stephen Larkham and Mat Rogers in the starting line-up, the Wallabies backs will pose the sort of problems for England for an entire match that they did in the last 15 minutes in Melbourne.
England are the dominant side in the world, leading the Zurich rankings (before the latest series of southern hemisphere-northern hemisphere Tests) with 1239 points. Australia (1146) are third in the rankings. New Zealand (1206) are second.
On these rankings - and confirmed by their inability to put the outplayed Wallabies to the sword on Saturday - England are not so far ahead of the other leading teams that they can expect to dominate the World Cup the way the Wallabies did, for instance, in 1991."
Yep. That's right. The Aussies needn't be worried, even though England would expect to beat Australia by more than a converted try, in Australia, with no-one else there having home advantage. Doesn't make England a "sure thing". But it's absurd to argue that if the machine gets it right, and England now are predicted wins away against Aussie by a convincing margin, that's a good thing...
More shameless notice board quoting:
"A very good friend who lives in QLD emailed this morning to say that whilst England were impressive, he wasn't down about Saturday's match because Aus can improve by ten points between now and RWC, whereas it is not possible for England to improve at all
So... 25-24, then.
I'll take that... "
"A very good friend who lives in QLD emailed this morning to say that whilst England were impressive, he wasn't down about Saturday's match because Aus can improve by ten points between now and RWC, whereas it is not possible for England to improve at all
So... 25-24, then.
I'll take that... "
Oh, yet more comments seeming wonderful in retrospect:
"I got your Aussie bias right here, mate...
Friday 20 June, 2003 From across the ditch with Nick the Aussie
Well, it would appear that despite being the better team the whole night, Carlos got some chewy on his boot before walking out into the Caketin and fluffed a few kicks in difficult conditions (hey I've been to Wellington on a GOOD day in September so I know what I'm talking about), reducing the charge to a gentle trot. But enough about the bad old days - its our turn now...
On the face of it, the Poms are ready to hand out a beating to the Wallabies, the likes of which we've never seen. One could hardly blame those that think so, because we've hardly been impressive in our first two games, and Mr Elton Flatley got hisself shitfaced and late for a training session. Rules is rules I'm afraid, and with our three first-choice flyhalves (Bernie, Giteau and Flats) not considered, we turn to Nathan Grey (more on that later). In addition, our forward pack is seen as vastly inferior to the menacing Men in White, especially at the breakdown where we can't being to match the Poms in the infringement count.
"Hang on a minute Nick - where's the Aussie bias you promised us?" I hear you ask. Well, sit yourself down Betsy, and hang onto your gusset.
Pure and simple, these Pommy bastards are so far up themselves with their prissy white shirts and superior attitude that they are doomed to failure. All the bullshit about their "superior forward pack" was shown up by a bunch of relatively inexperienced Kiwi tyros who gave it to 'em right up the dot in the tight through sheer work ethic. They're not going to be nearly as sleepy this week, but quite frankly its not going to matter. And why do I say this? Its simple, Gunga Din:
All the mud puddle bullshit they call "forward play" in the Zurich Premiership is, as everyone south of the Equator knows, nothing but a clever ruse to try and convince us they've got something we don't. Its bullshit, plain and simple. I'll admit, there are some very classy, tough forwards going around in the ZP, and they can make the English team. Thus it is with rugby competitions around the world - the cream rises to the top. But these proud few are made to look even better by the talent-free local players they try to pass off as rugby forwards, and SH cast-offs who like the easy life kicking a ball around in the mud up north. When Pat Howard is voted Player of the Year for his work with Leicester Tigers, you know you're looking at a big steaming pile of goat shit as far as rugby competition goes.
Sure, they've got big fat bastards flopping all over the ruck like Vickery who thinks a cauliflower ear and a couple of Asian tattoos make him "the man". They've got cynical little bastards like Neil Back who readily admits he'll knock the ball out of a scrum half's hands if he can get away with it (and would probably sell his Mum for a buck or shag her for two). His mate in the back row, Lawrence "Shoot or Sniff" Dallaglio trolls around with him at terrific pace, breaking laws faster than a speeding bullet, and twice as loud. Martin Johnson, who it must be said has a head like a half-eaten pie, leads this pack of little soldiers around with all the two-faced arrogance unknown to the world since Mr Cheaty Cheater (who was also a Pom) won the world's first ever Winning By Dubious Means Competition, and gave birth to a whole new phrase in the language.
You may have noticed I didn't name any of the backs during my brief spiel above. Well, that's because in my opinion, Johnny Wilkinson is actually an OK guy for a goal-kicking bastard, and so I can't find much wrong with him except his pre-kick prayer. As for the rest of them - I have trouble remembering their names. Why? BECAUSE WE NEVER BLOODY SEE THEM DO ANYTHING!!! Twats.
Let's do a player by player comparison, hmmm?
1 Bill Young aka "Youngie" vs 3 Phil Vickery aka "The Raging Bull" in England, or "Raving Bullshit" in Oz - with Vickery returning from a back injury (poor dear) I'm looking forward to Youngie sending this overrate crate of pie cream right back to his chiropractor.
2 Jeremy Paul aka "JP" vs 2 Steve Thompson aka "Some Plonker" - haven't seen much of Thompson. The Poms love to rave about him, but so far I've seen him bugger up some lineout throws, and cheat, which puts him on a level with most other English hookers throughout history. JP is still to find his top form yet, with some shaky work against Ireland and little open running in the game plan so far, but its games like these where the class shines.
3 Patricio Noriega aka "Pato" or "General" vs 1 Trevor Woodman - again, someone I've not seen much of, and again, someone for the Poms to rave over - merely because he's played in an English team that has beaten any SH side. At this point, despite my criticisms of Pato, I don't give a shit what he does around the field as long as he gives the Poms a good hard snappin' in the front row. When he came off in the Welsh game we started to get nudged a bit, which is something Pato obviously prevents. When he's not being pinged for binding, boring, collapsing, or anything else the ref can think up, that is.
4 Nathan Sharpe aka "Sharpey" vs 4 Martin Johnson aka "Missing Link" or "Ski Jump Forehead" - Sharpey is no guarantee to play apparently, while Link is one of the premier players in the world when it comes to the IRB Dirty Bastard in the Forwards 1.95m+ Class (A title he recently unified when Mark Andrews from South Africa retired). Link likes nothing better than choking the opposition flyhalf on the deck, picking fights in which he never intends to throw a punch, and dropping his knees into opposition players when the ref isn't looking. He also took up the time-honoured English sport of whining (as evidenced by his efforts in Wellington) and likes long walks on the beach with Danny Grewcock and a jar of vaseline. A BIG jar at that.
5 David Giffin aka "Giff" (inventive, aren't we?) vs 5 Ben Kay - Ben who? But yes, he's actually the other lock you occasionally see in the English team (the one who DOESN'T represent a separate branch of evolution). Apparently he has talent. All I saw from the All Black game was him getting his ball pinched at lineout time and flopping around the breakdown like a landed trout with the English back row. Giff is Giff - if he doesn't try to pick any fights he might actually play good rugby.
6 David Lyons aka "Mini-melon" vs 6 Richard Hill - one of the toughest assignments in World Rugby today is marking the English blindside flanker. He's adept throughout the backrow positions, quick, and a good defender. He's also less inclined to cheat than the other English forwards, probably because he has a conscience and believes in the notions of "fair play" and "good rugby" (rumour has it he brought these points up in a team meeting and was sat in the corner 'til he started behaving). Mini-melon is a strong runner and has shown well in the Wallaby pack these last couple of games. Needs to lift his workrate just that bit more to compete with the English though. He can do it and hurt some people on his trademark wrecking ball runs.
7 Phil Waugh aka "Devon" vs 7 Neil Back aka "That filthy little cheating pasty prick from Leicester who'd chop his own dick off for a chance to play the ball on the ground" - Waugh is a strong little nugget of a player, and one-on-one would totally dick old man Back around the park. Waugh's problem is handling Back, Hill, and Dallaglio all that the same time in some instances, and they're not always interested in the rules. I think Waugh is far better suited to playing the Poms than Smith is, mainly because he's stronger over the ball. Neil Back's profile I think I've covered adequately.
8 Toutai Kefu aka "Big Kef" vs 8 Lawrence Dallaglio aka "Dayglo" aks "JACPA" (short for "Just Another Cheating Pommy Arsehole") - Big Kef has had me worried of late. He's shown a tendency to sidestep which I hope he pisses right off in the face of the Pommy defence. This game will require nothing less than total commitment to smashing time and time again into a white wall, waiting for the imminent breakthrough that allows Kef to use his step. As for Dayglo - did you see the Academy Awards (Oscars) from the USA a few years ago, where one chick was wearing a dress made out of American Express Gold Cards? I reckon if you tallied up all the dirty shit Dayglo has done in the last few seasons, you could make him a cape like that, hopefully with enough left over to choke the bastard to death. He really deserves an Oscar himself - Best Player for Pulling The "What Me Ref?" face. Tool.
9 George Gregan aka "Guv" vs 9 Kyran Bracken aka "Broken" - provided he keeps his temper to himself (a difficult task remembering it is the English bastards we're playing here), Guv should have it all over Broken. Only in England (or Romania, Uruguay or Uzbekhistan) could Broken get 40+ Test caps.
10 Nathan Grey aka "Crazy" vs 10 Johnny Wilkinson aka "that goal kicking bastard" - well, Crazy is on a hiding to nothing here really. If he plays with his trademark aggression we'll have a decapitated English flyhalf by the end of the game, but alternatively Grey may just look like the Black Knight from Monthy Python's Holy Grail ("its only a flesh wound!") when the game is done due to his complete disregard for himself, and the gentle ministrations of the English back row. While I wouldn't dream that Hill is looking for a bit of payback from Grey's "bump" in the Lions Test two years ago, one can never rule it out in the heat of the moment. As a Waratahs fan, I look forward to Grey going berko on any Pom who enters his circle of pain.
11 Joe Roff aka "Smokin' Joe" vs 14 Jason Robinson aka "Billy Whizz" - I have good memories of Roff stepping inside or over Robinson a couple of times during a Lions Test to score. Still, Billy Whizz has another two good years in the game, and will be wiser this time. Neither possessed with outstanding pace, Robbo gets off the mark quicker while Roff is more of a power running exponent. An interesting battle, which Roff will naturally win. As long as he makes his kicks who really gives a shit? The Poms are just going to keep spoiling anyway. Filthy pricks.
12 Steve Kefu aka "Useless" vs 13 Will Greenwood aka "Willhegetball?" - Greenwood is apparently highly rated by Poms generally. I don't see it, but at least he's up against a suitably mediocre opponent in Little Kef. My only concern for the Wallaby backline really, and my fervent hope is Eddie pulls a last minute shuffle, dumping little Kef, putting Rogers at flyhalf, Grey at 12, and Burke on the bench. That'll fuck 'em.
13 Morgan Turinui aka "Morgs" vs 12 Mike Tindall aka "Man without a Talent" - Morgs is a prospect for the future, and will require but a small tightening of his defensive screws against a rampantly ordinary English midfield. English centres are always pants. I can't remember them ever having a good one. The highlight of Tindall's game on Saturday was packing on the side of the scrum. Yep, that's about it.
14 Wendell Sailor aka "Big Dell" vs 11 Ben Cohen aka "That overrated guy" - Big Dell is finally looking like the devastating weapon he promised to be. And he's learning rugby skills as well. Cohen is for some reason rated by English rugby punters, but as far as I can see he can catch and run fast and... well, that's about it. Hasn't created a try himself from what I've seen, and once he's had a couple of good smashings from Big Dell he'll show his true colours - i.e. just another Pom signing cheques his arse can't cash. I'm expecting the Poms to kick to Dell's wing, whereupon he can bash it up against the Pom fatties and show them what a few hard games of State of Origin teaches you about handing out the pain.
15 Chris Latham aka "Latho" vs 15 Josh Lewsey aka "Stitches" - Latham's defence has been questioned in the past, but so far I'm happy with his form this year. Lewsey is obviously a mummy's boy who doesn't understand the basic laws of rugby - i.e. "you're on my ball, therefore say hello to Mr Bootstud and his five brothers". Whiney little bitch.
Wallaby Bench vs Pom Bench - A lot of the Pommy guys are new, and besides Leonard, Dawson, and Luger I don't know much about them. Convenient as I was just running out of insults. The Wallaby bench has a couple of rookies but guys like Rogers and Tuqiri provide x-factor that the Poms know nothing about. I expect Rogers and Lote to come on and carve up a few yards here and there.
Overall, the game will pan out something like this from an English point of view: the Poms bash it up for a few phases, dive off their feet, over the ball, hands in the ruck, offside, foul play, and anything else the ref doesn't pick up. When the fatties get puffed or have to reach for the walking frame, Wilko kicks it in behind Wendell or goes the Garryowen in midfield. Australia hit it up, the Poms lie all over the ball and try to draw a penalty, which Wilko duly kicks.
Here is how it will actually pan out - Australia turns the tables on the Poms at the breakdown, smashing them off the ball. Grey dusts off his able (but little used) kicking game, putting it in behind the Pommy wings at every opportunity. From there the Poms have two options, depending which side the ball goes: Get smashed by Dell, or get smashed by Roff. After that its all academic, because our forwards will be all over them like a rash.
And if that doesn't work, Plan B comes into play. You see, the referee appointed is one David McHugh of Ireland, so I have strategically placed several cardboard cut-outs of Pieter Van Zyl in a Wallaby jumper around the ground as a precaution. :)
Cry havoc - and let slip the Dogs of War.
OFFICIAL WARNING: Some of the stories here may have been made up, and most are heavily opinionated, and many have little baring on reality as we know it... In fact little have anything to do with actual fact, and are not purported as such..."
"I got your Aussie bias right here, mate...
Friday 20 June, 2003 From across the ditch with Nick the Aussie
Well, it would appear that despite being the better team the whole night, Carlos got some chewy on his boot before walking out into the Caketin and fluffed a few kicks in difficult conditions (hey I've been to Wellington on a GOOD day in September so I know what I'm talking about), reducing the charge to a gentle trot. But enough about the bad old days - its our turn now...
On the face of it, the Poms are ready to hand out a beating to the Wallabies, the likes of which we've never seen. One could hardly blame those that think so, because we've hardly been impressive in our first two games, and Mr Elton Flatley got hisself shitfaced and late for a training session. Rules is rules I'm afraid, and with our three first-choice flyhalves (Bernie, Giteau and Flats) not considered, we turn to Nathan Grey (more on that later). In addition, our forward pack is seen as vastly inferior to the menacing Men in White, especially at the breakdown where we can't being to match the Poms in the infringement count.
"Hang on a minute Nick - where's the Aussie bias you promised us?" I hear you ask. Well, sit yourself down Betsy, and hang onto your gusset.
Pure and simple, these Pommy bastards are so far up themselves with their prissy white shirts and superior attitude that they are doomed to failure. All the bullshit about their "superior forward pack" was shown up by a bunch of relatively inexperienced Kiwi tyros who gave it to 'em right up the dot in the tight through sheer work ethic. They're not going to be nearly as sleepy this week, but quite frankly its not going to matter. And why do I say this? Its simple, Gunga Din:
All the mud puddle bullshit they call "forward play" in the Zurich Premiership is, as everyone south of the Equator knows, nothing but a clever ruse to try and convince us they've got something we don't. Its bullshit, plain and simple. I'll admit, there are some very classy, tough forwards going around in the ZP, and they can make the English team. Thus it is with rugby competitions around the world - the cream rises to the top. But these proud few are made to look even better by the talent-free local players they try to pass off as rugby forwards, and SH cast-offs who like the easy life kicking a ball around in the mud up north. When Pat Howard is voted Player of the Year for his work with Leicester Tigers, you know you're looking at a big steaming pile of goat shit as far as rugby competition goes.
Sure, they've got big fat bastards flopping all over the ruck like Vickery who thinks a cauliflower ear and a couple of Asian tattoos make him "the man". They've got cynical little bastards like Neil Back who readily admits he'll knock the ball out of a scrum half's hands if he can get away with it (and would probably sell his Mum for a buck or shag her for two). His mate in the back row, Lawrence "Shoot or Sniff" Dallaglio trolls around with him at terrific pace, breaking laws faster than a speeding bullet, and twice as loud. Martin Johnson, who it must be said has a head like a half-eaten pie, leads this pack of little soldiers around with all the two-faced arrogance unknown to the world since Mr Cheaty Cheater (who was also a Pom) won the world's first ever Winning By Dubious Means Competition, and gave birth to a whole new phrase in the language.
You may have noticed I didn't name any of the backs during my brief spiel above. Well, that's because in my opinion, Johnny Wilkinson is actually an OK guy for a goal-kicking bastard, and so I can't find much wrong with him except his pre-kick prayer. As for the rest of them - I have trouble remembering their names. Why? BECAUSE WE NEVER BLOODY SEE THEM DO ANYTHING!!! Twats.
Let's do a player by player comparison, hmmm?
1 Bill Young aka "Youngie" vs 3 Phil Vickery aka "The Raging Bull" in England, or "Raving Bullshit" in Oz - with Vickery returning from a back injury (poor dear) I'm looking forward to Youngie sending this overrate crate of pie cream right back to his chiropractor.
2 Jeremy Paul aka "JP" vs 2 Steve Thompson aka "Some Plonker" - haven't seen much of Thompson. The Poms love to rave about him, but so far I've seen him bugger up some lineout throws, and cheat, which puts him on a level with most other English hookers throughout history. JP is still to find his top form yet, with some shaky work against Ireland and little open running in the game plan so far, but its games like these where the class shines.
3 Patricio Noriega aka "Pato" or "General" vs 1 Trevor Woodman - again, someone I've not seen much of, and again, someone for the Poms to rave over - merely because he's played in an English team that has beaten any SH side. At this point, despite my criticisms of Pato, I don't give a shit what he does around the field as long as he gives the Poms a good hard snappin' in the front row. When he came off in the Welsh game we started to get nudged a bit, which is something Pato obviously prevents. When he's not being pinged for binding, boring, collapsing, or anything else the ref can think up, that is.
4 Nathan Sharpe aka "Sharpey" vs 4 Martin Johnson aka "Missing Link" or "Ski Jump Forehead" - Sharpey is no guarantee to play apparently, while Link is one of the premier players in the world when it comes to the IRB Dirty Bastard in the Forwards 1.95m+ Class (A title he recently unified when Mark Andrews from South Africa retired). Link likes nothing better than choking the opposition flyhalf on the deck, picking fights in which he never intends to throw a punch, and dropping his knees into opposition players when the ref isn't looking. He also took up the time-honoured English sport of whining (as evidenced by his efforts in Wellington) and likes long walks on the beach with Danny Grewcock and a jar of vaseline. A BIG jar at that.
5 David Giffin aka "Giff" (inventive, aren't we?) vs 5 Ben Kay - Ben who? But yes, he's actually the other lock you occasionally see in the English team (the one who DOESN'T represent a separate branch of evolution). Apparently he has talent. All I saw from the All Black game was him getting his ball pinched at lineout time and flopping around the breakdown like a landed trout with the English back row. Giff is Giff - if he doesn't try to pick any fights he might actually play good rugby.
6 David Lyons aka "Mini-melon" vs 6 Richard Hill - one of the toughest assignments in World Rugby today is marking the English blindside flanker. He's adept throughout the backrow positions, quick, and a good defender. He's also less inclined to cheat than the other English forwards, probably because he has a conscience and believes in the notions of "fair play" and "good rugby" (rumour has it he brought these points up in a team meeting and was sat in the corner 'til he started behaving). Mini-melon is a strong runner and has shown well in the Wallaby pack these last couple of games. Needs to lift his workrate just that bit more to compete with the English though. He can do it and hurt some people on his trademark wrecking ball runs.
7 Phil Waugh aka "Devon" vs 7 Neil Back aka "That filthy little cheating pasty prick from Leicester who'd chop his own dick off for a chance to play the ball on the ground" - Waugh is a strong little nugget of a player, and one-on-one would totally dick old man Back around the park. Waugh's problem is handling Back, Hill, and Dallaglio all that the same time in some instances, and they're not always interested in the rules. I think Waugh is far better suited to playing the Poms than Smith is, mainly because he's stronger over the ball. Neil Back's profile I think I've covered adequately.
8 Toutai Kefu aka "Big Kef" vs 8 Lawrence Dallaglio aka "Dayglo" aks "JACPA" (short for "Just Another Cheating Pommy Arsehole") - Big Kef has had me worried of late. He's shown a tendency to sidestep which I hope he pisses right off in the face of the Pommy defence. This game will require nothing less than total commitment to smashing time and time again into a white wall, waiting for the imminent breakthrough that allows Kef to use his step. As for Dayglo - did you see the Academy Awards (Oscars) from the USA a few years ago, where one chick was wearing a dress made out of American Express Gold Cards? I reckon if you tallied up all the dirty shit Dayglo has done in the last few seasons, you could make him a cape like that, hopefully with enough left over to choke the bastard to death. He really deserves an Oscar himself - Best Player for Pulling The "What Me Ref?" face. Tool.
9 George Gregan aka "Guv" vs 9 Kyran Bracken aka "Broken" - provided he keeps his temper to himself (a difficult task remembering it is the English bastards we're playing here), Guv should have it all over Broken. Only in England (or Romania, Uruguay or Uzbekhistan) could Broken get 40+ Test caps.
10 Nathan Grey aka "Crazy" vs 10 Johnny Wilkinson aka "that goal kicking bastard" - well, Crazy is on a hiding to nothing here really. If he plays with his trademark aggression we'll have a decapitated English flyhalf by the end of the game, but alternatively Grey may just look like the Black Knight from Monthy Python's Holy Grail ("its only a flesh wound!") when the game is done due to his complete disregard for himself, and the gentle ministrations of the English back row. While I wouldn't dream that Hill is looking for a bit of payback from Grey's "bump" in the Lions Test two years ago, one can never rule it out in the heat of the moment. As a Waratahs fan, I look forward to Grey going berko on any Pom who enters his circle of pain.
11 Joe Roff aka "Smokin' Joe" vs 14 Jason Robinson aka "Billy Whizz" - I have good memories of Roff stepping inside or over Robinson a couple of times during a Lions Test to score. Still, Billy Whizz has another two good years in the game, and will be wiser this time. Neither possessed with outstanding pace, Robbo gets off the mark quicker while Roff is more of a power running exponent. An interesting battle, which Roff will naturally win. As long as he makes his kicks who really gives a shit? The Poms are just going to keep spoiling anyway. Filthy pricks.
12 Steve Kefu aka "Useless" vs 13 Will Greenwood aka "Willhegetball?" - Greenwood is apparently highly rated by Poms generally. I don't see it, but at least he's up against a suitably mediocre opponent in Little Kef. My only concern for the Wallaby backline really, and my fervent hope is Eddie pulls a last minute shuffle, dumping little Kef, putting Rogers at flyhalf, Grey at 12, and Burke on the bench. That'll fuck 'em.
13 Morgan Turinui aka "Morgs" vs 12 Mike Tindall aka "Man without a Talent" - Morgs is a prospect for the future, and will require but a small tightening of his defensive screws against a rampantly ordinary English midfield. English centres are always pants. I can't remember them ever having a good one. The highlight of Tindall's game on Saturday was packing on the side of the scrum. Yep, that's about it.
14 Wendell Sailor aka "Big Dell" vs 11 Ben Cohen aka "That overrated guy" - Big Dell is finally looking like the devastating weapon he promised to be. And he's learning rugby skills as well. Cohen is for some reason rated by English rugby punters, but as far as I can see he can catch and run fast and... well, that's about it. Hasn't created a try himself from what I've seen, and once he's had a couple of good smashings from Big Dell he'll show his true colours - i.e. just another Pom signing cheques his arse can't cash. I'm expecting the Poms to kick to Dell's wing, whereupon he can bash it up against the Pom fatties and show them what a few hard games of State of Origin teaches you about handing out the pain.
15 Chris Latham aka "Latho" vs 15 Josh Lewsey aka "Stitches" - Latham's defence has been questioned in the past, but so far I'm happy with his form this year. Lewsey is obviously a mummy's boy who doesn't understand the basic laws of rugby - i.e. "you're on my ball, therefore say hello to Mr Bootstud and his five brothers". Whiney little bitch.
Wallaby Bench vs Pom Bench - A lot of the Pommy guys are new, and besides Leonard, Dawson, and Luger I don't know much about them. Convenient as I was just running out of insults. The Wallaby bench has a couple of rookies but guys like Rogers and Tuqiri provide x-factor that the Poms know nothing about. I expect Rogers and Lote to come on and carve up a few yards here and there.
Overall, the game will pan out something like this from an English point of view: the Poms bash it up for a few phases, dive off their feet, over the ball, hands in the ruck, offside, foul play, and anything else the ref doesn't pick up. When the fatties get puffed or have to reach for the walking frame, Wilko kicks it in behind Wendell or goes the Garryowen in midfield. Australia hit it up, the Poms lie all over the ball and try to draw a penalty, which Wilko duly kicks.
Here is how it will actually pan out - Australia turns the tables on the Poms at the breakdown, smashing them off the ball. Grey dusts off his able (but little used) kicking game, putting it in behind the Pommy wings at every opportunity. From there the Poms have two options, depending which side the ball goes: Get smashed by Dell, or get smashed by Roff. After that its all academic, because our forwards will be all over them like a rash.
And if that doesn't work, Plan B comes into play. You see, the referee appointed is one David McHugh of Ireland, so I have strategically placed several cardboard cut-outs of Pieter Van Zyl in a Wallaby jumper around the ground as a precaution. :)
Cry havoc - and let slip the Dogs of War.
OFFICIAL WARNING: Some of the stories here may have been made up, and most are heavily opinionated, and many have little baring on reality as we know it... In fact little have anything to do with actual fact, and are not purported as such..."
" ZURICH RUGBY:
Clive Woodward Transcript - which can also be found on
www.zurichpremiership.com
Clive Woodward - Sunday 22nd June, Melbourne
Andrew Titheridge: So, 12 hours after the game and a few sore heads
later, when you look at that win, it must be one of the greatest
ever England victories?
CW: I don't know about that - it was just important for us to win,
we have got a momentum going now. This is World Cup year and we can
now start talking about the World Cup. These games have not been
preparing for the World Cup, but coming down here and wining Test
matches, and beating Australia and All Blacks - two of the best
sides in the world - and keeping the momentum going. We know now that
when the players meet back at the end of July, when we start
preparing for the World Cup, there will be a tremendous buzz. The
anticipation already is fantastic but I think that this will help
us for the World Cup tremendously, so we are just looking forward
to that now. It's just been a great trip, and for everyone involved
- players, coaches and management - it has just been a great team
effort and we can now start looking forward to the World Cup.
AT: In these matches before the World Cup, one against Wales and
two against France, they won't be full-on test matches. You will
use those games to try new players?
CW: They will be full-on Test matches. I have got in my mind now,
14 or 15 players for the World Cup, but we have to choose between
one or two players that we have not decided, certainly the first
two games. The away game in Wales and the away game in France - the
one in Marseille - won't be anything like the team that we saw play
last night. Those three games are 100 percent in terms of our
preparation for the World Cup, they will be full-on test matches.
You want them to be full-on Test matches, otherwise you won't learn
anything. But we are just looking forward to them, and you know
that this group and there will be others joining us, from the guys
in Canada and there will be five or six injured players who will be
back as well, so competition for those thirty places will be
immense, and it is important that I get those decisions absolutely
spot on.
AT: You are on your way back home via Perth, are you inspecting the
pitches?
CW: We would rather get on a plane and go home today, and for
myself, I have been away a long time and I want to see my wife and
kids. But, you know, our World Cup starts in Perth - we have got 17
days in Perth and a huge game against South Africa. So we have got
to get it right and it does make a huge difference staying in the
hotel and going out to the training pitches. It's tough for the
players, it's tough for all of us, but it is something that when I
get back on Friday, I'll say, "Well done, we had to do that - it is
all part of the preparation." It will be a tough few days, seeing
the cricket and the sunshine and Wimbledon starting, and I can't
wait to get home. It's been a great trip but we are looking forward
to getting back.
AT: I think that no-one deserves a holiday than more than you
Clive. It has been great for all of us who have been involved with
England these past couple of weeks so enjoy your summer.
CW: Thank you very much. It's been a huge team effort and I am very
lucky to be heading this group of players and a brilliant group of
coaches. I cannot speak highly enough of Martin Johnson and Andy
Robinson. There has just been an outstanding group behind the
scenes. The success we are getting doesn't come through luck, it
comes through a lot of hard work and there are a lot of excellent
people involved with this team."
Clive Woodward Transcript - which can also be found on
www.zurichpremiership.com
Clive Woodward - Sunday 22nd June, Melbourne
Andrew Titheridge: So, 12 hours after the game and a few sore heads
later, when you look at that win, it must be one of the greatest
ever England victories?
CW: I don't know about that - it was just important for us to win,
we have got a momentum going now. This is World Cup year and we can
now start talking about the World Cup. These games have not been
preparing for the World Cup, but coming down here and wining Test
matches, and beating Australia and All Blacks - two of the best
sides in the world - and keeping the momentum going. We know now that
when the players meet back at the end of July, when we start
preparing for the World Cup, there will be a tremendous buzz. The
anticipation already is fantastic but I think that this will help
us for the World Cup tremendously, so we are just looking forward
to that now. It's just been a great trip, and for everyone involved
- players, coaches and management - it has just been a great team
effort and we can now start looking forward to the World Cup.
AT: In these matches before the World Cup, one against Wales and
two against France, they won't be full-on test matches. You will
use those games to try new players?
CW: They will be full-on Test matches. I have got in my mind now,
14 or 15 players for the World Cup, but we have to choose between
one or two players that we have not decided, certainly the first
two games. The away game in Wales and the away game in France - the
one in Marseille - won't be anything like the team that we saw play
last night. Those three games are 100 percent in terms of our
preparation for the World Cup, they will be full-on test matches.
You want them to be full-on Test matches, otherwise you won't learn
anything. But we are just looking forward to them, and you know
that this group and there will be others joining us, from the guys
in Canada and there will be five or six injured players who will be
back as well, so competition for those thirty places will be
immense, and it is important that I get those decisions absolutely
spot on.
AT: You are on your way back home via Perth, are you inspecting the
pitches?
CW: We would rather get on a plane and go home today, and for
myself, I have been away a long time and I want to see my wife and
kids. But, you know, our World Cup starts in Perth - we have got 17
days in Perth and a huge game against South Africa. So we have got
to get it right and it does make a huge difference staying in the
hotel and going out to the training pitches. It's tough for the
players, it's tough for all of us, but it is something that when I
get back on Friday, I'll say, "Well done, we had to do that - it is
all part of the preparation." It will be a tough few days, seeing
the cricket and the sunshine and Wimbledon starting, and I can't
wait to get home. It's been a great trip but we are looking forward
to getting back.
AT: I think that no-one deserves a holiday than more than you
Clive. It has been great for all of us who have been involved with
England these past couple of weeks so enjoy your summer.
CW: Thank you very much. It's been a huge team effort and I am very
lucky to be heading this group of players and a brilliant group of
coaches. I cannot speak highly enough of Martin Johnson and Andy
Robinson. There has just been an outstanding group behind the
scenes. The success we are getting doesn't come through luck, it
comes through a lot of hard work and there are a lot of excellent
people involved with this team."
Courtesy of Planet rugby:
"Topic The Laws of Rugby (revised)
Posted by Rob Elliot
Date Jun,19.2003 (22:00:33 GMT)
Message:
Jake, on the scoring more tries point - I have just been searching through the laws, and I was shocked to find that
there is a secret 23rd section as follows:
23: Matches involving an England XV
1) Whereas in general matches are decided by number of points scored, England must not only score more points but also run in a superior number of tries to be awarded a victory.
2) Games in which England score more points than the opposition in the Northern Hemisphere shall be considered void. (This is a recent amendment, replacing the long standing law that games won at Twickenham are void. The older version was found inadequate to the developing situation. This law may be subject to further revision at the end of June.)
3) Games in which England score more points than the opposition with Jonny Wilkinson on the pitch shall be considered void.
4) Games in which England score more points than the opposition and in which any England player, supporter or indeed national offend any player, supporter or national of the opposition or for that matter any other country, by so much as a poorly timed sneeze, shall be considered void.
5) Games in which England score more points than the opposition and the opposition are at the beginning or end of their season shall be considered void.
6) Games in which England score more points than the opposition and the prevailing weather and conditions bear so much as the faintest resemblance to that in which most England players normally play shall be considered void.
7) Games in which England score more points than the opposition and a member of the opposition is sent off or sin-binned for foul play shall be considered void. To play against fewer than XV men is unsporting, whatever the reason. Should England have a member of their team sent off or sin-binned, refer to law 23:4 above.
8) In games in which England score more points than the opposition, but in which the opposition score last, the opposition are deemed to have finished the game the stronger and are therefore deemed the winners.
9) If England selects Martin Johnson in their side, they will be deemed to have brought the game into disrepute through violent conduct. The opposition will be awarded the match and Johnson will be banned for six weeks.
10) If any England player, official or supporter ever suggests that, in a game that they 'won', England was the better side and deserved to win, the game shall be considered void.
11) Similarly, if any England player, official or supporter ever suggests that England might win their pool in any Rugby World Cup, they will be accused of insufferable arrogance, bringing the game into disrepute and England will be thrown out of the aforementioned tournament forwith.
12) Games that England lose shall be considered tests, whatever the nature of the game, opposition or composition of the England XV, and shall count in the test statistics of played/won/lost. In the (unlikely) event of England winning a game it shall be considered at best a friendly A international and counted as such.
Laws 23:1 to 23:10 inclusive have no relevance in the event of England scoring less points than the opposition, nor should they be applied in any way to the circumstances or behaviour of that opposition. "
"Topic The Laws of Rugby (revised)
Posted by Rob Elliot
Date Jun,19.2003 (22:00:33 GMT)
Message:
Jake, on the scoring more tries point - I have just been searching through the laws, and I was shocked to find that
there is a secret 23rd section as follows:
23: Matches involving an England XV
1) Whereas in general matches are decided by number of points scored, England must not only score more points but also run in a superior number of tries to be awarded a victory.
2) Games in which England score more points than the opposition in the Northern Hemisphere shall be considered void. (This is a recent amendment, replacing the long standing law that games won at Twickenham are void. The older version was found inadequate to the developing situation. This law may be subject to further revision at the end of June.)
3) Games in which England score more points than the opposition with Jonny Wilkinson on the pitch shall be considered void.
4) Games in which England score more points than the opposition and in which any England player, supporter or indeed national offend any player, supporter or national of the opposition or for that matter any other country, by so much as a poorly timed sneeze, shall be considered void.
5) Games in which England score more points than the opposition and the opposition are at the beginning or end of their season shall be considered void.
6) Games in which England score more points than the opposition and the prevailing weather and conditions bear so much as the faintest resemblance to that in which most England players normally play shall be considered void.
7) Games in which England score more points than the opposition and a member of the opposition is sent off or sin-binned for foul play shall be considered void. To play against fewer than XV men is unsporting, whatever the reason. Should England have a member of their team sent off or sin-binned, refer to law 23:4 above.
8) In games in which England score more points than the opposition, but in which the opposition score last, the opposition are deemed to have finished the game the stronger and are therefore deemed the winners.
9) If England selects Martin Johnson in their side, they will be deemed to have brought the game into disrepute through violent conduct. The opposition will be awarded the match and Johnson will be banned for six weeks.
10) If any England player, official or supporter ever suggests that, in a game that they 'won', England was the better side and deserved to win, the game shall be considered void.
11) Similarly, if any England player, official or supporter ever suggests that England might win their pool in any Rugby World Cup, they will be accused of insufferable arrogance, bringing the game into disrepute and England will be thrown out of the aforementioned tournament forwith.
12) Games that England lose shall be considered tests, whatever the nature of the game, opposition or composition of the England XV, and shall count in the test statistics of played/won/lost. In the (unlikely) event of England winning a game it shall be considered at best a friendly A international and counted as such.
Laws 23:1 to 23:10 inclusive have no relevance in the event of England scoring less points than the opposition, nor should they be applied in any way to the circumstances or behaviour of that opposition. "
Sunday, June 22, 2003
DAVID CAMPESE
"[Albeit before yesterday's win, but all the more amusing for that] England never looked like scoring in Wellington. It was 1991 revisited, when I was outspoken about boring England tactics. Sorry to say it, but nothing seems to have changed. Sure, they defended superbly. The England backs can certainly tackle, but can they pass and run too? Will Clive let them off the leash at the World Cup? They have no trouble running in tries against ordinary opposition. But what about the best sides from this hemisphere in big matches at the biggest event? Will they chance their arm or go back to being the same boring mob who don't care whether they put on a show for the public?"
Tres amusant. Though not a witty as Martin Johnson's post-match:
"It was always going to be a big ask. We were hoping for rain today but it was dry so we had to play a bit of rugby "
"[Albeit before yesterday's win, but all the more amusing for that] England never looked like scoring in Wellington. It was 1991 revisited, when I was outspoken about boring England tactics. Sorry to say it, but nothing seems to have changed. Sure, they defended superbly. The England backs can certainly tackle, but can they pass and run too? Will Clive let them off the leash at the World Cup? They have no trouble running in tries against ordinary opposition. But what about the best sides from this hemisphere in big matches at the biggest event? Will they chance their arm or go back to being the same boring mob who don't care whether they put on a show for the public?"
Tres amusant. Though not a witty as Martin Johnson's post-match:
"It was always going to be a big ask. We were hoping for rain today but it was dry so we had to play a bit of rugby "
